After this week, I’m declaring Glenn Beck officially off-limits for this space. True, this will mean denying myself a rich vein of his illogic, almost-thoughts, foolishness, fear-mongering, half-comprehended ideas and mangled English sentences to write about, but I just can’t take it anymore. I mean, really, it’s just too easy with this clown (apparently, if you’re kind of pudgy and really bad at thinking, that’s good enough for Fox News). I’m going to go soft if I write anything else about him. Also, I might vomit.
So, for the last time, I offer this week’s BAFMELE to Glenn Beck, this time for having confused President Obama’s special-appointment counselors with Russian overlords who want to “fundamentally transform the nation and feast on the republic” (hey, it’s an easy mistake to make – they’re both called “czars,” after all. It’s kind of like how we’ve all made the mistake of drinking just right out of the toilet bowl – after all, the stuff in there is called “water,” just like the stuff that comes out of the tap. Who could blame us – or Glenn Beck – for experiencing confusion on such a confusing issue?), and also for presenting us with a perfectly-executed False Choice Flaw on the meaning of Mr. Obama’s czars.
Here’s Beck’s position on the matter:
“There are three ways, I want to talk to you about three different options here. Hang on, let me just run them down because I’m riddled with ADD and I don’t want to forget them. And ‑‑ okay, I got it. The first option with these czars is they’re a collection of stupid people.
The second thing is that this is ‑‑ we are developing a Chicago‑like system in our republic that we are developing a system here that is going to be just dirty, underhanded, and Chicago politics.
The third is really on the road to crazy town and that is a lot of these people are evil people that just have no respect for the republic in any way, shape or form and are going to fundamentally transform the nation and feast on the republic until they have an emergency that they just don’t want to, they just don’t want to waste and they will have all of the pieces that they need to start some engine of something we don’t want to see started up. Which is it you think?”
Well, that’s very insightful, Glenn, except that maybe there aren’t only three ways of looking at this. Instead of itemizing the other possibilities for the meaning of these czars, let’s simply adopt a little of that chubby Beck illogic for ourselves. Like this:
There are three possibilities that will explain Glenn Beck. Here, presented in descending order of likelihood, are those three options:
- He’s not actually a human being. He’s a portly and incredibly sophisticated Turing machine. We really shouldn’t hold him in too low regard – he’s been programmed this way.
- He’s a dimwit. A round, dimpled dimwit who is too laughably absurd to be taken seriously.
- He is really on the road to crazy town and is one of these evil people that just have no respect for the republic in any way, shape or form and are going to fundamentally transform the nation and feast on the republic until they have an emergency that they just don’t want to, they just don’t want to waste and they will have all of the pieces that they need to start some engine of something we don’t want to see started up.
Which is it you think?
