(Don’t!) Free Roman!

It’s not like we really ever looked to Hollywood for reason or insight, but, like, wow.  Today, 138 people in the film industry signed a petition “demanding” the release of Roman Polanski, the film director who was arrested yesterday in Switzerland because in 1977 he was charged with drugging and raping a 13 year old girl, so he fled the US.  At the time of the alleged rape, Polanski was 43.

Here’s my favorite part of the petition: “The arrest of Roman Polanski in a neutral country, where he assumed he could travel without hindrance … opens the way for actions of which no one can know the effects.”

Ooh – they’re right!  Who could possibly know what might happen next?  This arrest might mean that literally anyone who’s been charged with a felony and then flees to another country to avoid prosecution may have to eventually suffer the indignity of being arrested.  By police.  After that, what’s next?  Why, absolutely anything could happen.  People charged with drugging and then sodomizing 13-year-olds could conceivably begin to be forced to endure the social and aesthetic trauma of legal hearings!  There could be jury trials!  When will the madness end?  I don’t know, but 138 filmmakers (including Woody Allen.  Hm.  That’s weird.  Didn’t he have an affair with – and then marry – his adopted daughter?  What a weird coincidence that his name appears here…  Hmmm.) are pretty sure it might be awful if Polanski doesn’t get freed, and they mean, like, right now.

But back to my favorite part of the petition.  The problem, according to these birthers filmmakers, is that Polanski was arrested in a neutral country, where he assumed he could travel without hindrance. See?  They can’t arrest him – he already totally assumed that they couldn’t.  And by God, if that’s not enough to insure that a (possibly) guilty man isn’t arrested in a free country, well, it’s just really hard to know what would be.  So, let’s just make this our go-to defense.  Next time you’re in, say, a supermarket, try it out!

“What, officer?  These foodstuffs are all just sitting on display, unchained and totally not shackled in any way that might suggest that they are not mine for the taking.  I assumed that I could have them.  So I can.  Have them.  Right, officer?”

Another place this line of reasoning would be certain to win you good results is in a fight with your spouse.  Or with your boss!  Literally anywhere, under any circumstances, will this tactic be sure to work for you.

So, for giving us what I will hereafter refer to as “The Assumption Defense,” I am hereby humbled and appalled to award this week’s BAFMELE to the 138 signatories to the “Free Roman Polanski” petition.  Enjoy it in good health, you heroes of the downtrodden.  I just really hope that none of you have daughters (except, of course, Woody Allen, who as we know, does).